So it’s been quite some time since I’ve posted up new material. This is largely in part to a large, six month break that I took. Although I hope to one day write an epically long posting/rant that will leave you both batshit insane and so fucking sick of me you treat me like the Lord of the Ring’s boxsets. Well, not that you would leave me on the shelf to rot, but the way that you just walk by it and say “one day, I will see you, one day.”

 In any case, the topic of today’s rant is indeed going to drive you batshit insane, it is not as long as Marky Mark’s dick in Boogie Nights, and will not compare to the monstrous size of the egos of Jared Leto, Judge Judy, and Eminem combined.

 Wait, did I just say Eminem? Why yes…yes I did. You have a problem with that? Yes?

 Then fuck you.

 In any case, who the fuck is Eminem?

 Eminem is what Tupac would have been if he had been born white. That said, Tupac would be alive still making shitty rap records and ranting on about Kim Kardashians big ass. Hell, Tupac probably would have been trying to tell the world how much of a sense of humor he had by rapping about J-Lo (wait…that’s not her name anymore), J-Ho’s big ass on national tv.

 ...and why am I hating on him?

 Because it’s my motherfuckin’ civic duty bitches.

 I hate on everyone and everything, if you don’t like me fuck you, fuck off, and go fuck your mother. Tell her hi for me when you’re done. Not done yet? Get off your fucking ass and do it you inbred cow.

 You’re probably wondering why I just tied Eminem and Tupac together, clearly I must be wrong. I must have gone off my already broken rocker. Seriously, Eminem and Tupac are tied. The two have literally made an album together.

 You see it all happened in a land far, far away, called America. I know, too far for you dream about. In this land a gold mine was discovered. In this gold mine was something so valuable it would make Bill Gates shit a solid gold brick in his tight fitting emo pants.

 I’ll make a quick fake news snippet for you written and edited by me:

 “Eminem has apparently written a song that features him slamming (on) the singer of Paramore. He requested that the singer of Paramore (I forget her name and am too fucking lazy to look it up), be on the track that features him slamming on her. She said, and I paraphrase, “I’d be crazy to pass that up.“

 That last paragraph is not fake news. Fucking shit.

 I imagine her being slammed on by Eminem is the equivalent of putting tuna in a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. It’s already a horrible lunch everyone likes, so why the fuck would you fuck it up anymore?

 That said, back to Tupac being produced by Eminem. Oh wait, did I forget to mention that? Yes, apparently Eminem produced a Tupac Shakur album. Blasphemy, the dudes been dead how long? I do believe that he is the only dead rapper to have released more music than the Grateful Dead. He also is probably the only dead rapper to have released so many post-humous records it would make Bernie Mac and George Carlin spin in their graves before Heath Ledger can comment on Johnny Depp’s horrible interpretation of a character that was so totally not him in the final release of The Imaginarium of…

 So before I go any further, you may be asking “Butt fucking HOW is this possible?” (yes i did put butt instead of but, that's not a typo.)

 Rest assured, I have the history right here in my hand. Loyal to the Game is the fourth, you read right fucking fourth posthumous release of the lately greatly Tupac Shakur. Apparently this man has so many demos and unreleased recorded material hiding out in shoe boxes, it makes Jimi Hendrix’s Estate cry. According to Wikipedia (which will probably change in the next week after this posting) Eminem was so moved by Tupac’s music that he wrote a fucking letter to Shakur’s mother requesting that he be the producer of the next Major 2pac Remix Album. Yes, you read right, Eminem was so moved by the music, not the cash cow he might have seen coming. 2pac’s mother gave Eminem the go ahead, allowing Big E. to do whatever the fuck he wanted to the album.

 Multi-tracked Rape Ensued.

 Although the album has 2pac’s name on it. It most definitely sounds like a remixed Eminem album with 2pac’s vocals spliced between the catchy hooks we all know Eminem is famous for having on his own albums. (Yes, Big E sucks as a person, but I cannot deny the fact that sometimes his songs do get wedged so far in the crevices of my brain that I have to pick them out by listening to some Morbid Angel and Mayhem at once.)

 Big E. even went as far as chopping up words and retuning the great 2’s vox in order to keep the album up with current times. I guess it wasn’t enough to have him sampling a fucking Prince song and letting him put fucking Dido on the same album. Holy fucking shit, he went all out. I had no idea Dido wanted to collaborate with a Dead Rapper. (capitalized for emphasis).

 All this to say what? Eminem is on to his next album, not original to name it anything other than Relapse 2. I have a, proposition for you Eminem. From one musician to the next, let me produce your next rap album (i know i'm a no name indie musician, but hell i have a sense of humor too if you can't fucking tell), and let me name it. I may consider not titling it Big E. “Big E’s Super Sounds of the Shit.”

 …and I’m back in full force…

 Bitches.